I just watched "Return to Paradise" and it was a movie that moved me. I haven't cried with the other movies that I have watched, perhaps I concentrated too much or I was just saddened with the turn of events in the story. It was a tragedy about these three guys Roger Sheriff, Tony and Lewis who went partying in Malaysia. After 2 years a lawyer named Beth came and informed them that Lewis was rotting in jail in Malaysia for drug traficking(hash) which the two have been involved. Tony and Sheriff faces the biggest decision whether to go back in Malaysia and serve three years in prison and might save Lewis life.And they have only 8 days left to decide. In the end, they both decided to go. But when they were in Malaysia, they learned that Beth is actually Lewis sister. Sheriff and Tony became suspicious of Beth's real intent. They changed their mind, but when they were about to board the plane to freedom, Sheriff backed off and returnd to take his punishement in jail. At the hearing, I thought they were about to spare Lewis life, but the judge read an article in the newspaper about Lewis being hanged to death. I don't know if that changed his mind and ordered the hanging of Lewis the next day. It was tragic. Sheriff's pressence and acceptance of his responsibility didn't help then. The next day Lewis was hanged to death. Sheriff had to spend 6 months in Benang prison. Beth and Sheriff fell inlove then and Beth promised not to leave until Sheriff is released from prison.

OBSERVATIONS: I have observed that during the shooting of the movie, a lot of people were walking around with veils consistent with Muslim attires. Malaysia could have muslim populations. The streets, the views were very similar of what you would find in the small provinces in the Philippines, like banana plants along the way. The market area also is an open air market.

THOUGHTS: From this movie, I have realized that a lot of people take for granted the freedom and rights they are enjoying. A lot of places or countries doesn't have laws that protect human rights. The Middle East for example have very strict laws, very rigid and women doesn't enjoy the same rights as men. There are countries that are patriarchal where women are not even allowed to drive.I have talked to several people who have worked in the Middle East, especially Saudi Arabia. they told me that women and men are not allowed to talk to each other unless they are husband and wife or brother and sister. They are not even allowed to walk around in the streets unless they are husband and wife and or brother and sister. There's no courtship. Marriages are pre-arranged. And the same thing is true in Pakistan. There are also ways of dressing that are considered inappropriate, especially showing a lot of skin. That's why a lot of Filipinos who go to work in those places are being sexually harrassed. Some countries like Egypt and Jordan may not be as strict as their neighboring countries. I had made friends with a girl from Jordan before and talked about their culture. They enjoy more rights than other countries, they are allowed to date and all that but still there's a proper way to do it in their culture. She was then dating some American guys she met, but she was always secretiveof her dates from her brothers. I don't really exactly know why but the guys seem to be allowed to do more things than the women.

Some countries really do have very harsh laws. According to what I have read so far, it's really true that it is punishable by death in Malaysia if one is found with a certain amount of Marijuana or hash. I think that the law is stricter in the Philippines when it comes to drugs than that of the US..


Don't think there aren't crocodiles because the water is calm.

I have heard some people say that I am too nice. I think that I am sometimes and my problem with being too nice is that I don't get to get mad at people who are not nice. So, I am trying not to be too nice anymore. I think I supress my anger so often that when I get home I am still mad. Mad at myself for not saying anything. I normally keep quiet even if I think I am right, but when the moment strikes I blurt out what's in my mind just to let the person know that I am irritated with his/her attitude. I really have a problem with this, so more and more the anger is compiled until I finally errupt. I am normally nice and try to get along with people I work with. But I think some people take advantage of me being so nice. That's why i am trying to be fiesty from now on. I don't just keep quiet, atleast say something. I have always admired fiesty people. People who doesn't allow nonsense crap from other people. I am learning though. I don't want to be just all that loud, but I just want to be able to stand and speak up for myself when the need arises. I know that's it's okey to get angry. They say that we should get angry if we must and get over it. I just can't get mad right on the spot. I just get mute all of a sudden. So, I am now conditioning myself to remain composed in those situations and face that person and just say what I needed to say to let them know that I am furious and let them just feel my fury and wrath. No more miss nice. Of course since I am really a nice person that will always dominate my personality.


Wondering and wandering thoughts:

Dusk have fallen again and am still here, done nothing. Seems time have passed so quickly. I woke up this morning with all the aches. My shoulder joints ached and my right thigh hurt. My jaw hurt when I openned my mouth.O course I looked for my Ibuprofen to rescue me from all the pains. Then I buried myself in the computer. That's all I did and then suddenly it's night time.So that's what happenned to me today. Of course I had those weird weird dreams last night. It was a dream about familiar people. It was really weird because in my dream I was dueling with my mom with a knife and cooking tongs and I was wrestling with her until I stabbed her. It felt so wierd in my dream. I kept calling out to for her to stop, but she didn't so I stabbed her.

And today J came home with a cool present for me. It wasn't that big, but I find it so cute. It's a spider ring. And I mean spider with eight legs and black. It looks real. Must be a remnant from the haloween holidays.

I know if you peek into my wacky world, it isn't that exciting. It could be very ordinary sometimes, so normal, nothing extraordinary going on. But I do believe surprises would sometimes come my way.I have had those surprises before which made my life seems alright now.

Okey, sometimes I'm lost of words to express what's in my mind. Anyhow, I try my best to put it into words.Sometimes words doesn't come so easy. Don't you have those moments that you want to say something, it's at the tip of your tongue yet you can't utter it. That's the same with what I am experiencing right now. Sometimes I just can't find words to spell it out. But I try in just simple words, but not exactly the way I want to tell the feelings within. Yes, sometimes we just use words to contain us, to express the easthetic or to describe the abstract. Sometimes inspiration eludes me, I sometimes have to compose myself to gather the magic that I do sometimes have inorder for me to compose my literary attempts. Well, sometimes I just write for the purpose of writting. Sometimes it's an outlet for me to steam off, to let out what's in my chest. Sometimes it's my way of expressing my strong feelings, like feelings of anger, of grief, of frustration,of madness and all the lines of human emotions. The stronger the emotions the more powerful words comes out of me. Sometimes it's just my way of expressing myself.

Ok, so If I were a Ninja Tutrtle I would look like this.
You are most like Leonardo!
You work your hardest to be the best you can and
wish mostly to please your authority figures.
You are skilled all around and makes a terrific
leader. Honor is important to you as well,
which sometimes causes you to be disapointed
with some of the people closest to you.
However, as much as you expect from others, you
expect more from yourself.

Which mutant turtle are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

words of the day:
"Life is usually more complicated than the plans that we make."

Life is simple yet so complex. Of course we make plans, we think about it but do they always happen as we plan them to be? Only if we are lucky of course. We do map our life in our heads of how we want it to be, but they are only ideas of how we want our lives to be. Sometimes they don't materialize. Sometimes they remain as ideas. Sometimes a whole new materialization happens while we are even making the plans of our life.Sometimes they are the total opposite of what we have planned or totally different of how we planned things to be. Sometimes it sucks, but that's life.


words of the day:
And in the end it's not the years in your life that count. It is the life in your years.
~ Abraham Lincoln~
Talking about life, now I am starting to wonder if I am making most of my life. Or am I just letting my life just slip away. I think these are just the days when I tried to do as much as I can, or do the best I can but my best wasn't good enough.Of course it will take a whole lifetime to figure out really whether that DASH in between is worth living or if I made use most of it worth it. Well, life isn't always easy to comprehend. Maybe I just do the living and do the comprehending later.
Okey, my eyes are getting heavy now. I guess my brain is getting too tired for tonight and can't think very clearly or couldn't produce any thought provoking ideas. I have had a long day. J is already in bed snoring. I was even trying to make noise but he never moved. He just left saying he just wanted to rest his eye. Yeah right, that's how he puts it. Rest his eyes, like taking a short nap. It's already the middle of the night. And I already know he doesn't really mean rest his eyes, he meant he's off to bed and leave me alone with my steaming recipe of Italian Caponata. I'm just trying to brew my very own witch potion. Maybe not potion because I will end up eating the whole stuff. I know J would just dip his fingers taste a bit of my weird food and he would say "Honey, it's good." I better keep the Caponata in the fridge before I forget about it. I have been gone dumpling crazy for the past three days too. I made dumplings for three consecutive days. It's always good whether it be a snack or just a meal. Actually I had beef and vegetable dumpling for dinner.

Oh well, I guess I am left alone here with this computer to talk to. Okey I feel some ulcers in my mouth too. I hate it when I have these painful ulcers. They are almost like pimples in the mouth. I swear, I would squeeze them if I could. They are annoying and painful.

Ok, I'm off to bed now and enjoy my sleep. Sleeping is always fun, especially when sleep brings me to dreamland. Ok, I better go now, my bed is waiting for me. Till next again. I hope I will talk about some interesting stuff by then.


words of the day:
Just go about with everyday life. Just go....further along......

I am in a relax mode right now. It has been a while that I had days off consecutively. It's sort of putting my guards down and relax. I brewed some tension tamer tea, sat and watched "Steven Speilberg's "Taken". I don't know if I am supposed to believe in aliens. But a lot of times I wonder what lies beyond. Are there beings in between the worlds? What lies beyond, beyond ? Of course the djin as featured in the horror movie "Wishmater" is just beings made up by human imaginations. There are supposed to be beings living in between the worlds that feed on wishes. But it is the opposite of a geni, an evil geni. Well, if you have seen the movie, you know what I am talking about.But if you imagine so wildly what would you think live out there? Are there other living beings in others planets, other places beyond the place we live?But of course human curiousity is always the reason for scientific experiments and researches trying to prove a theory.And things like these still remain unanswered.
Still even if I'm really on a very brief vacation my mind keeps wandering and wondering.It's actually a moment for me to sit down and think. Isn't it nice to just sit down and "zone out". You know, just thinking but not really. Your mind is just simply blank.Staring but not looking. Your eyes pierce through the walls and goof off somewhere beyond, even to another dimension.It's kinda like day dreaming. I just read that day dreaming actually prevents the brain from shrinking. I didn't know our brain shrinks, but probably it does as we grow old. But as they say " The only way to save your brain is to start using it." So, try to daydream every chance I get.
The inevitable is coming again. We might be moving. And moving means new home, new life, new place, new people, new environment. It excites me at the same time makes me think and plan of a lot of things. Just like "what am I gonna do next with my life?" I think I like the idea of changes, but then I would have to go through the process of adapting again. It could be sometimes stressful to adjust in a new home, new place, perhaps new job. But the idea of doing something different sounds good. Planning for one's life is not an easy task. It's always been weighing and balancing of things in your head. And sometimes the weight of it just pulls us down and make us collapse to the ground. I am not yet in that situation of scratching my head trying to think of what to do, but I am already starting to plan and think of small stuff.I try to envission myself already there.What I would be doing if I am already there right this moment. I want to be ready for the changes when we get there.But then again we don't know for sure until we get there. I have already proven this to be true.That ideas are just merely ideas until you make them happen or physically through it. Believing is different. I hope this would be more exciting than I think. Well, this is just another step further added to the many steps we have already took before. Perhaps this time we could be surer than before. Life keeps happening, while we are busy planning the next step. There's one thing I am sure of "Life doesn't happen if we don't move on."
I wish I have the abilities that good writers have. I don't consider myself a writer at all. I am just a student. I keep thinking that by writting I might be able to write a book someday. It's only a wish of course, but who knows. Anything can happen. As they say "Be careful what you wish for." Anyway, I have always been facinated by writers. I read a lot of books and wonder where they get all the words and ideas they used to make a whole book. They don't just make it in just a day. It took them days, weeks,months even years of thinking and putting them together. I just hope one day I could be able to do the same. Perhaps for now, I just keep wishing, maybe the gods beyond the stars would grant my wish. I do believe miracles do happen. Just one of these days. Even if this wish won't be granted, I know I'm gonna be a lucky person one day and I keep believing this. Maybe I should also keep working on it to increase the chances of me getting my wish.
I know my mind keeps jumping from one topic to another. But I hope that I am making sense. I know a lot of times I don't make sense. I just hope it's not always the case. Today, is just chance for me to keep writing what's in my mind. I just seem to have a lot of things to say. More often I run out of things to talk about or think about. I guess the key is simply relaxing and ideas will just come flowing. Of course the fact that I am left alone has something to do with it. I have my own space and the computer all to myself. Tomorrow I would have company. I think a time away from my dearly beloved spouse could be fruitful. I notice that I could do a lot of things. I could have the time to relax and spend sometime alone and think. I think every couple should give each other some time alone. It's not like you want to get away from your spouse but I think it is healthy to be away from each other for some time. It's a moment of privacy. A time to talk to yourself, look at yourself and think. Just recollect. Just try spending some time alone and see the difference.
I just recently acquired this habit of taking notes of words or phrases said in conversations or from reading especially the words and phrases that I find meaningful. Words become meaninful when combined with other words. I would sit down infront of the tv and I would take down some meaningful words I would using later in writting. Sometimes I hear them from conversing with other people. Or even from reading newspapers, magazines,books. I love to write down meaningful words. I think that's good thing.More and more I crave for meaningful words, powerful words. I should learn to increase my vocabularies. More and more I want words that have deep meanings.Not just ordinary words.But words of course have different meanings and importance to us all.Words works wonders.


words of the day: "I can see clearly now that the rain is gone."

Actually the word for today is PINNOYING. It comes from the words PINOY and ANNOYING. So, it literally means to annoy someone in the Pinoy (Filipino) way. J came up with this word. I found it funny. Somedays he would just blurt, "oh you are just so Pinoy!". I would ask him what he means and he would say," I just mean you are Pinoy, you have the Pinoy qualities!" He's just toying with the word. He got the word from this Filipino newspaper we got a Filipino store entitled BASTA PINOY.
It means "just Pinoy" or things you just only hear from Filipinos something like that.
The power of words could have different impacts when said in different languages. When learning new languages, so often the first words you would learn are the bad words. I remember when I first moved here in the US, I would use the cuss words like ordinary words because to me it didn't mean as much when it was said in my language. It was almost like these cuss words when I say it in english is meaningless than when it is said in my language. Now that my mind is programmed in the english language I realize I took the words for granted just uttering them just like some ordinary words. Sometimes it's because we hear people using them, it almost registers in the mind what we hear and even unconciously we utter the words without even thinking about it. I'm not really a pesron who cusses out unless I get really really pissed off.And I don't do it in public. Cussing to me is a sign of bad manners and lack of self-control. And I do hear people do that even aloud in public earshot and it doesn't bother them.

words of the day: " I'll just smoke my life away."

The phrase above was from a co-worker. She uttered this phrase when she was about to take a smoke break. So, I asked her " How much of your life have been reduced already from smoking? She left the question hanging, she just smiled and left.

Too often we do a lot of destructive things in our lives and with our bodies when we are bored. Let me think of things we, even myself would do out of boredom. I noticed that people would munch on something, we turn to food even if we are not hungry. How many times do we open the fridge in search of something to eat just to keep ourselves busy. I think pigging out is the number on the list.Two, people smoke. Of course it may not be out of boredom, could be, but out of habit. Three,drugs, people of course use them to feel good. Temporary escape from reality, from pains, from miseries or simply doze off to another world. Of course as J always say, alcohol is one of them. Although it's not a drug, it has similar effects even worst than drugs. Fourth, would be shopping especially women, some men maybe. In fact there are cases of shopping addiction to some people. Well, the fifth one that I could think of, is that people worry to fill the space between. I do that sometimes. I hate it when I have this compulsive thoughts that would play like a broken record in my head over and over and over again that I can't even sleep. Once I'm awake my mind would play the same thoughts over and over again. Well, there's this song that J plays. And my favorite line is ........"don't worry your life away!" I love that line. It's a constant reminder for me not to sweat the small stuff.

Well, let's talk about the constructive side. J sometimes bring home a magazine called " Creative Loafing". I love the magazine. Well, it tells a lot of things to do. It mentions places to see and visit, restaurants, clubs, a lot of activities and what's going on around town. When I have a lot of time in my hand I would browse at travel guides and see places that me and J could go on our days off or sometimes find some recreational activities and recreational places to go. Of course the number one on my list for my creative loafing is simply reading. This way I somehow travel to places far and wide. I love going to the library. I'm sure we all have our own way of entertaining ourselves. I do watch the television when the mood strikes me. I could just curl on the couch for hours and hours. But most of the time the "stupid box" bores me too. Well, I have tried exercising now, it's becoming a habit which is good. And yes, I am quite fond of gardening or taking care of plants. In fact I gathered maybe seven ripe tomatoes already from my potted tomatoes. I wish the other fruits hurry up and get ripe before winter. And there's the computer which houses my OJ, the intellectual one who keeps me company in a lot of the lonely days and nights.
I guess that's it.I don't have a very exciting life. Some days of course have shining moments but I would say my everyday life have been just in a steady line. Maybe if I were to graph it would be just be a slight hill and valley and that's about it for now. I hope one day I would reach a high peak, something that would involve a job or career maybe finances. Those things. Of course I have a lot of plans and thoughts and how I would make it possible but that's all I could share for now. When I reach that moment, then perhaps I could talk more about it. For now I just watch that straight line go forward. Perhaps one day it will make miracolous leap.Well, we don't know whatever happen then. But I look forward for a magic or a miracle each day.I'm glad I still have this optimism after all those times I have exhausted myself. But you know what things happen when least expected, so I just want to prepare for whatever there is coming. I always think that there's something huge that's in store for me and that I just have to go look for it. Go find it. Otherwise, even if we don't have much, we should make the most of what we have.

words of the day: " I don't know what's right anymore!"

I was watching a tv show on channel E. Well, normally I don't really watch that channel. But you know how sometimes we flip channels after another looking for something watchable. And on of the celebrities said " I don't know what's sin anymore. Nothing feels like sin anymore." I often argue with J about moral standards. I have grown acquainted to a lot of things in a well developed country like the US. Everything seems to be built for convinience. Everything could be done ten times faster than years ago. Things could be done in a touch of a button. Just like what I am doing right now. Let's say years ago, they only use typewritters and maybe basic computers for doing things I am doing on this computer right now. But now they could do things ten times faster in seconds using the modern day technology.

Well, with all the technological advancements, and industrialization, sociological aspects going forward too. I'm not so sure about the changes. Sure thing people are given more time to do things since they don't have to do things manually. But I think that people are starting to become like machines. Why do I say this? People are loosing thier morality. There's moral decadence. People are starting to have this material obsessions, thus, they work like machines to achieve these obsessions. I don't know if it's me, or it's just the mere fact that I was born and raised in another time and place. I have lived here in the United States for more than three years now. But perhaps if I were born and raised here, I wouldn't know the difference.

For now, I would try to resolve some of the confusions that I have regarding what's right and what's wrong. I hope that I would be able to stick to the values and virtues I have been taught growing up. Perhaps I am still in a stage of what they call "culture shock".



words of the day:......sometimes I run, sometimes I hide, sometimes I walk, sometimes I think.

I think one of my weaknesses involve my lack of self-confidence. I can't say that I totally lack, but there are instances that I whimp out or chicken out. Especially in a conversation or a confrontation that somehow I know I'm right but wasn't able to speak my mind. It gives me that restlessness until I express my thoughts or feelings about certain things. J would say "Sleep on it. If you still feel that way tomorrow then talk about it, settle it with the people involve." He's right of course. So, the next day I talked to the people involved. Expressed what I feel and think and I felt better. And of course atleast I know I didn't bottled up my feelings and forever held my piece. Somehow I have this negative attitude of bottling up my feelings but I am learning to handle it. I am getting the courage to express my opinion wisely. I always thought it's better not to talk a lot. Absorb what the other party thinks and feels and weigh what the best approach. It works sometimes but of course all people are different. They take things in different manners, so be ready to counteract or accept how they may take the news. I'm not so much an extrovert. Infact I am more of an introvert. But when I am around people that I am comfortable with, I am bubbly and blabbly. But more and more I am learning how to say things as it is. Of course there are ocassions where for the sake of pleasantry I would lie to make the other person feel better, or to make the other person at ease with me. Most of the time I am fair when I criticize, or when asked about my opinion about certain things.Most of the time, I don't really judge people or things, for they come in different forms but they may not always be what they seem to be.A lot of times people hide behind layers and layers of masks, that you have to peel these masks one by one to reveal thier true self. Admit it, we are all vulnerable that's we hide in our own shells.Sometimes our shells are as hard as a turtle shell.Sometimes I see people are like turtles, not that slow though, but with shells around them. When we are poked on our weakest side we bury our head and tail inside our shells. I think we are all afraid of disclosure. To come out bare, naked for all the world to see. I think it's actually a wonder how humans are trapped in bodies of chameleons shaped as humans. We could change our colors to adopt to our environment.And it's great that we humans possess that ability unless of course if we do it in pursuit of our evil intentions then that's something very wrong.
I hate people who are fake. People who act very pleasant but they really don't like you at all.Or people who talk behind your back. I even appreciate if they just tell it to my face. Yes just tell it to my face!
Ah, baby showers! It's something new to me. Where I grew up in the Philippines we didn't have baby showers. I could remember people giving baby gifts to newly born babies but I haven't heard of baby showers until I moved to America. I find baby showers very useful. J, of course didn't want to come along with me to the baby shower of her twin sister, but he came anyway. He thinks it's just for women but I argued, it's for the baby not for mothers. Somehow I convinced him to come. It was fun, we played games. Clips were distributed and whoever is heard saying the word "baby" or crosses her legs loses her clips. Of course whoever had the most clips wins. The other game was the cutting of toilet papers to measure the belly of the pregnant woman. Well, I did win this one. I had the exact measurement of her belly. The third game involved objects shown from a box and we have to write all the objects shown in a piece of paper. This one I just got lost. There were about 20 objects and I was just lost, I was only able to write down 10 of them. It's kind of fun to be with the would be moms. We even wrote down advises and hints for the mother to be. I'm sure everyone who becomes a mom will know what to do when they get there. Others can do better of course, but I'm sure first time moms learn in thier own way.