To Smile or Not to Smile.
"When it's meant to happen, it'll happen. For now concentrate on your interests and being the interesting amazing delicious widdle piece of awesomeness that you are. Confident, interesting people that are happy being themselves are attractive"
Absolutely! don't allow your self to be miserable. You can wallow in the mud for a while and get it out of your system and get it over with, easier said than done. But since I am the most positive person that I am, I will do it and move on. There are more interesting and wonderful things to look forward to. Sure it will hurt for a while but got to focus. Focus, that's the word for the day. Concentrate on the greater things you will and can do, it's a matter of choice. Think of long term or futuristic goals. What do you really rather have or accomplish? Think of better things that you could be doing instead of torturing yourself into that insanity that is in your head. It is just your imagination. It's not real. I don't know why you allowed it to go for a long time. To allow yourself to be a prisoner of your own thoughts, a prisoner of your own. " Break those chains that bind you "
That should be your mantra. To free yourself of the spell, the ultimate goal.
You know you will not savor anything wonderful if you allow yourself to be feeling terrible all the time. Yesterday, the lunch with friends cheered me up. I was able to laugh as loud as I can. One of my friends asked her son " Michael, what color do you see when the car stops at the stop light?" Her son replied " Many colors!" We all burst laughing. I found that funny. Just being with friends makes us forget about our worries even if it's just for a moment. A moment of feeling wonderful about ourselves. You can see that you are not alone. That other people could be suffering from worst situations. That your situation could be just minute compared to the emotional baggage that they maybe carrying. And still they are the ones that laughs the loudest.
I asked one of the ladies, her name is L. You look so skinny, how do you keep your weight even after having a baby. She replied " Well, I got lots of things that I worry about. My family. You know sometimes, even if we seem to have everything, there's still something missing". That got my attention. That although I wasn't saying anything, I totally agree with what she said. You can have everything,but there's still something missing. I don't know what I am going through right now, but that seems to be true in my case. There's this big hole in my heart right now. I was listening to a song yesterday and the line goes like this " Stuff that emptiness with something, anything." Right now, nothing seems to matter for me. What I am stuffing myself right now is coffee. Addicted to coffee. And I am glad that's my addiction so far. It's minimal right? Okey, there's also one thing that I do that I think is actually healthy. I go running. I run and run for as long as I can run. Sweat it out. It always makes me feel better. They are not bad, right? Well, I want to just keep these two vices. Keeps me going for years now. How do you think I survived all these? Well, we all have our own ways of surviving this so called LIFE. We all know that some days can be bad, some days can be tolerable. Some days just pass by unnoticed. Some days gets rainy and pouring and gloomy. Some days it can get stormy, where there are lightnings and thunder and hail. Some days are relaxed and breezy. But there are always days that the sun shines very brightly and so there's always a reason to smile.
Love is all we need
The journey up ahead is really coming and I have mixed feelings about it. The tag-of-war of excitement and sadness and all other emotions are freaking me out right now. I think that I would be bereft without you. Just just how I feel at the moment of course but I am trying to think of all the possibilities and all the things, new things and experiences that I will be having in the future if I am going to take this trip. Great things may happen. i might meet great people and I might encounter unexpected experiences and all the things unexpected. Whatever they maybe I guess I can take the risk and go ahead and just go. So, what I am probably leaving behind, is just "wishful thinking". But we'll leave it to the laws of the universe and the Gods, I believe that if it's meant to be, it will happen. I have had experiences, painful experiences that happened before in my life but it was meant to happen because there was something else even bigger and greater awaiting for me at the other side of the road. And I believe this is true. We may not understand things that are happening to us for the moment but it will soon unfold before us when we get there. Then we would say "ah!, so this is why things didn't work out." If we believe that there's something else awaiting us, be hopeful and keep a pure heart. It would feel rewarding at the end. So, I consider what I am going through right now, a challenge and is happening for a reason and I intend to find out what lies ahead for me. To move on and be positive and have fun in spite of all these and maybe at the end of the tunnel lies the answers. Only the optimistic people survive this so called life. It's not easy, we get bruises and get bumped and ran over. All we have to do is keep getting up and keep on keeping on. Right now I am stuck at the moment. My wheels are not turning as they are supposed to be, the wheels in my brain just keeps turning with torturing thoughts going over and over and over same thoughts without a resolution. It's sickening already. It's killing me and I don't know how to handle it. The butterflies in my stomach just really feels like butterflies. And then I haven't even taken actions on packing things and I have a lot of packing and organizing and lots of things I have to do but I am not doing anything. I am dragging myself to do it today and the coming days.
I watched 13 going 30 last night and I totally agree with Jenna Rink(Jennifer Garner) "Love is a battlefield". She said we have to fight for what we want. Heartache to heartache, we stand together. Love, life is such. Talking about heartache. I am having one right now at the very moment. Can't stand it anymore. Maybe because I don't really talk about it. Maybe if I pour my heart out then I will free myself of the spell, what ever it is.
"Love is a battlefield. Heartache to heartache, we all stand together. Love is a battlefield.
"Like the song by the Beatles, all we need is love, love is all we need. If you truly look at life, for me it is very true. It's love we all need. If we have love, there's nothing else to look for. What are you looking for in life, anyway? There are times that I am crushed by this question because I cannot seem to really come up with it. I mean we go through life, we search for that which we cannot find. Whatever that is. Don't you have those days that life seems so incomplete? Or is it just me. You know, you're waiting, hoping anticipating for something. I am at a loss sometimes. Sometimes I think I am just insane. And truly believe that I am insane. But you know, sometimes life is like that.
You know what I am talking about. When one is waiting for something, sometimes the anticipation can be a bit stressful. Sometimes people can get really all worked up. But when you actually are in that moment that you have been waiting for, it sometimes may not really be that bad. It's the waiting, the counting of the days, waiting for that moment what ever moment that maybe. I find that sometimes, the waiting can be the most exciting part, not the moment itself. Are you waiting for something, then enjoy the anticipation. You will eventually get there. I know I am.
On Gender Roles:
I noticed that when me and my husband go out, I noticed that people tend to ask questions from him first. Whether at a restaurant, bank,office. And so it got me thinking, is it because I am Asian, or is has something to do with me being a woman. Hubby pointed out that it probably has something to do with gender roles. The man usually pays the bills at the restaurants, so they tend to ask him the question first. Then I wondered too, if people probably doesn't know how to approach me. Whatever it is, it usually doesn't bother me, but when I am not asked. I usually want to be involved in the conversation. I also wondered maybe if I don't talk then they are not sure what to say. So, I try to have my say. When I mentioned this to J, he said, " maybe they see you very young and think that I am your father." I just started laughing, maybe I laughed a little too hard. I really thought that was funny. You probably are wondering why he would say such a funny joke. Okey, I am super petite that's why. My face probably doesn't show my age. He told me that one of his friends told him, he's a cradle snatcher. Then I started telling him of an acquaintance of mine, she's 25 and her husband is probably 52 right now. She's half his age. She also mentioned to me that his kids from his former wife are older than her. And when she first met them they gave her that look saying "what are you doing with our father who is twice your age." She said she just ignored them. Then I wondered she probably have been mistaken a lot as his daughter instead of his wife.
We were able to go to "Journey's" concert and it was so much fun. It was such a fun show. I was even able to see Arnel Pineda up close. He had so much energy. I am really inspired by his story, how he got discovered on youtube. I had to see and watch him in person. I personally can understand now why he was able to get to be the lead singer of "Journey". He really got the talent, despite his small size. He's got that voice. I have been watching all his performances on youtube.com with his old band "The Zoo" where he sang cover songs for some of the popular bands like Goo goo Dolls, Aerosmith, Bon Jovi and he sounded just like the way these bands sing. He even sang Anne Wilson's "Alone" and he sounded just like Anne. By the way Cheap Trick and Heart were the first two bands that played before Journey. It was held at Chastain Park Ampetheater. It was such a hot day, so everyone in the concert were sweating. It was a fun concert. Would like to go to their live concert again.
Coffee, that's one thing that I am addicted to. I can't somehow go for a day without coffee. There are a lot of things being said about coffee, some good,some bad. Sometimes it gets confusing, but I think the rule of thumb here is moderation. Things done in moderation is good, if you overdo it then it becomes bad. Caffeine is addictive basing from my experience. I don't know but after I drink coffee I become alive, I become more alert and I can think. Helps me concentrate too.
"Life is uncertain"
Things are happening so fast right now, things are changing so fast and I am a bit overwhelmed by the thought and responsibility that I am about to face but I am confident that I will be able to handle it. It's always hard at first, but when you get the hang of it, it will start to get easier. But I guess that's the challenge. The previous weeks, I have been through rainbows of emotions and it's hard. It's like riding in a roller coaster, your brain doesn't quite function well. Everything is spinning, and my insides are twisted in knots. I couldn't even eat. I felt really sick. It felt like I have just woke up from a nightmare, only it was real. Slowly, reality starts to set in. My previous imagination of how things should be have suddenly collapsed, like that of a sand castle washed up by a strong wave. My imaginary vision of things have crumbled to the ground, broken into pieces and me standing over it, staring at it as it shattered and tried hard to rescue what's left. The broken pieces in my hand, broken and so is my heart. Tears rolled down my cheeks, as pain started to envelope me. Pain crushing my spirit, just crushing me inside and even as I type these words, I can't just keep myself from crying. I know, it's my soul's way of screaming loud in silence. I don't quite know to put my emotions into words now. But there it is, I guess. Sometimes when I sit in the dark and watch the stars, I am in awe at everything that's happening to me. And it makes me wonder, you know, I traveled halfway around the globe to find love, to find life and I guess, this is life. That's the whole package and it's more than what I bargained for. It's hard, but at the sometime I am grateful to be able to experience all these. I think my story is unique in it's own way, and all these things happening to me makes like colorful. And I believe that we ought to learn from them, they have grate lessons we need to learn. Take them as challenges, make them your stepping stones towards higher heights, towards higher horizon wherever that maybe. I think that although at this time I may not understand things, answers would unfold as I go along the road. Whatever road these all may lead. And it gives me peace when I do the right thing no matter how painful it maybe. Pain is the greatest teacher in life. We learn the most when we encounter great pain, because that's how we all grow. It may take sometime to heal and recover but if we heed from them, we would grow as better persons. We grow within, we become tougher and more sure of ourselves. There's no certainty in life, but as we experience all these wonderful experiences, we somehow have a better perspective and a better view of what is ahead. I believe, hope keeps our spirits alive. That's there's something out there, that there's something better in store for us. And for me, I intend to find out what there is for me. It's also the consistent reminder to ourselves that life is always changing and taking unexpected twist and turns. And who knows what's beyond those bends of the road. It's exciting to take the path and think that there's some surprises out there for us and the anticipation always drives is to go forward. And so, I am looking for that bend on the road that would change things for me. It has been a great journey and I don't intend to stop here. I intend to find out what and where the road is heading to wherever that maybe and I hope that I will have the grace to choose the right path when I get to a crossroad. Right now, I see verdant greens, forests, and from my viewpoint life is still beautiful. There is hope.
I can hear the leaf blower in the background, the sound of the lawn mower woke me up this morning. I don't mind since I went to bed early. The TV is tuned in to travel channel and they were showing the harsh conditions in the jungles of South America as these scientist/etymologists look for all kinds of species in the jungle. They get caught up in the rain, no communication to the outside world, their satellite phone does not work and food is low. I mean it's rough out there.
I remember an experience when I was a kid back in the Philippine Islands. We were going to town and we had to take a short cut, it was just after a big storm and we had to cross a river. We didn't know how to swim and we had to keep our backpacks from getting wet. The older guys in the group, my father was there at that time tied a rope to a tree from one one end of the river to the other and we held on to the rope as we crossed the river. And I mean muddy river, the water rose higher from the normal level. Of course after we crossed we were all soaked and wet. But we had to keep hiking until we got to the residential area where we were able to wash up using a water pump ( and yes, until now, there are still water pumps being used in the remote areas the last time I was there). It was not fun at the time, I was young and I bet I did complain a little bit. But looking back now, it is a great experience. And that's just one of the great memories I have growing up in the province. When we say province, we mean, small town, even a village as opposed to the city life.
Another fun memory that I recall was the time me and my mom would go gather mud snails. I was really young then, but I can clearly recall the feelings, the sensations like it was just yesterday. She would bring me along with her and I would try to help her, but of course I was probably six or seven at that time. I can clearly recall that I would wade in the water, and when the waves move I sway and almost get knocked off my feet and I felt scared I would drown. I didn't know how to swim then. But yes, we would gather mud snails and as soon as we get home, she would cook them for supper.
So, last night when we stopped at this Chinese restaurant that serves authentic Hongkong cuisine, I was delighted to see mud snails in their menu. I mean, it is very rare that I would have a chance to indulge myself with a delicacy like that. Well, we just came from the Georgia Dome, after the Falcons and the Panthers game. Panthers won by the way.
Herd of People Coming out of the Dome.
Traffic After the Game.
Anyway, I did order the House Special mud snails. As soon as I got the plate of snails, I said " This really reminds me of home." You are probably asking how do you eat them? You suck them out of the shell. There was a small saucer of toothpicks too, which I understand is to be used to pick them out of the shells. It tasted really good. Yummy, as in I haven't had them in years, so it was really a delight for me to see it in the menu, plus other delicacy which reminds me of traditional foods served in the alleys and street foods in Hongkong. I am sure I would be going back to that area again. It's not that far from where we live. It's a bit of a drive, we just happen to discover it. It's called "Asian Square", so I wasn't surprised to see rows of Asian boutiques and small restaurants.
Walking downtown Atlanta is a breath of fresh air. I highly recommend, to get out once in a while and see what's around even we are sometimes buried in our work. It was nice to get out there, see people, watch people passing by. Ride the train (MARTA), I mean, there's a lot to learn just by getting out, even the smell of the air is so different. Although, yesterday was a bit muggy and hot, it was still fun. I see people sweat while they walk. But that's good, that means they are getting a work out.
Twelve th Street
Before You get to The Train Station.
So, that's a day's fun and excitement. Hopefully by the coming week ends I will be able to go somewhere and explore. To go up the mountains and see Fall unfold, or just anywhere and take a glimpse of life. They say that sometimes we got to go farther, in order to have a better view. And I definitely agree. From a distant, life is beautiful.